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  Poppa and the farm gone. No, not my old life. My old life was long gone. I searched the faces around me. My cousins, my aunt and uncle. And Zeke. Were they enough to keep me here?

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I need to think about it.”

  Momma didn’t argue. “Just take your time. No need to decide today.”

  “All right.” I got up and started clearing the table.

  Aunt Jenny shooed me out, telling me to go rest.

  It saddened me even more. Aunt Jenny didn’t want my help.

  What was wrong with me? I knew Aunt Jenny and Uncle Colt loved me. Why, then, did I feel so abandoned?

  I ran out of the house and headed to Cedar Spring. What should I do? Did I belong anywhere?

  If no one wanted me, I would go back to Plainsville. But, could I possibly leave Zeke with Momma? Wasn’t he the only one left who really loved me? And, what if she went crazy again, and I lost him?

  I followed the trail through the woods down to Cedar Spring. The heat and humidity caused sweat to trickle down my brow.

  It was hard to believe Momma was leaving the farm, moving into town. Then I remembered she came from a large city. She probably wanted to live in town.

  Not me. I wanted to live back on the farm, back to where I once lived with Poppa, the place where I once felt love.

  Would I ever be able to live on the farm again? Uncle Colt was paying the mortgage. Didn’t that mean the farm was his? I would never be able to pay him back, even if one day he agreed to sell it back to me.

  I sat on a rock and let my hand trail into the cool stream, still as confused as ever. Tadpoles swam close to the edge, many already with legs emerging. I thought of the frog in the cream, swimming around and around. Wasn’t that what I had been doing? But where had it gotten me? I still drowned, only now sucked into the butter, unable to move on.

  A twig snapped, and I raised my head.

  Daniel stood at the edge of the clearing.

  A smile spread across his face when he saw me look up. He walked to me, and I watched him approach.

  “Hey, Jay. I didn’t know you were here.”

  “I didn’t know you were either.” I moved over on the rock to allow him to sit beside me.

  “Decided to use my weekend pass to come visit the old home place,” he said.

  I nodded. “We came to see Momma. She was released from the hospital a few days ago.” How much did he know about Momma? It wasn’t a secret how she had acted after Poppa died.

  “That’s great news. Is she doing okay?”

  “Yeah.” I looked down at my hands, trying to sort through my feelings. For some reason, Dan sitting next to me didn’t feel awkward at all. What was wrong with me? Too much on my mind to care anymore?

  I turned to face him. “She wants me to move back.”

  “You don’t sound too happy about it.” His gentle voice persuaded me to continue.

  “I don’t know what to do. She wants me and Zeke to move to a place in town.”

  “Oh. Not back to the farm?”

  “No. Uncle Colt has taken over the farm.” It hurt to say the words. I knew Uncle Colt couldn’t be expected to make payments for no telling how long, and then give it back to me. It wouldn’t be fair to him.

  “I know that must be difficult for you.”

  “It’s okay.” I waved a hand in dismissal of the farm, although its loss, I knew, would forever haunt me. I lifted my head to look into his eyes of hazel. “I don’t know what to do about Zeke. I can’t leave him here, can I?”

  “I don’t know.” His eyes clouded. “Do you want to move back?”

  “I want to go to college. Become a veterinarian. If I move back. . .”

  “You’re not sure if you would ever fulfill your dream?” Daniel watched me, his eyes compassionate.

  “Yes. But I don’t know what Momma might do. She could go crazy again like she did before.” I chewed my lip.

  “People can change, Jay.”

  I searched his eyes. The way he said it made me wonder if he spoke of Momma or himself. “But what if she goes back to the way she was?”

  A kind smile spread across his face. “Sometimes you just have to have faith in people.”

  Did he mean I should have faith in him? “It’s hard when they’ve hurt you.” And, I didn’t know if I meant Momma or him.

  “Jay, what do you want?”

  His question startled me. “What do you mean?”

  “Do you want to stay here or in Plainsville? Forget about Zeke for a moment. What do you want?”

  “I want to stay in Plainsville,” I said without hesitation.

  “Stay there, then. Your aunt and uncle are nearby in case anything happens. They would watch out for Zeke.”

  I slid off the rock and moved a few feet away. I studied him, and he allowed me, not showing the least embarrassment. He met my gaze undisturbed.

  I saw that Sylvia was right. Daniel wore a short-sleeve shirt and looked fit and tan. He had never looked better.

  Daniel came to me, and I stayed rooted to the spot. He gazed at me with . . . with such tenderness that I realized Michael was right, too. Daniel loved me.

  Chapter 20—Daniel’s Friendship

  I licked my lips. “I saw Michael. He was on the bus, and he told me he was dating Sylvia.” I blurted it out without thought.

  He nodded his head, his eyes still tender. Suddenly, without knowing how, my head lay on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me.

  I struggled but tears came. I cried until I hiccupped. He stroked my hair, making shushing noises, yet the tears still came.

  “I’ve tried to talk to Michael,” he said.

  “What?” His voice sounded far away. I straightened and tried to staunch the tears, to understand what he was saying.

  “I’ve tried to talk to him. You see it’s my fault.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s my fault he drinks. We started when we were very young—we were in sixth grade. I snuck a bottle of whiskey out of my house. That’s the first time we got drunk.” He pulled out his handkerchief and offered it to me.

  I took it and swiped at the tears. “Yes, Michael told me he started drinking when he was young. Your parents didn’t know?”

  He stared into the distance. “My father may have known. I don’t think he cared. My mother had already died by then.”

  My conscience pricked me. I had never thought about Daniel’s relationship with his father. Never even thought about the death of his mother.

  “Michael and I—sometimes others, like William—would sneak whiskey from my father. Sometimes we would buy whiskey, moonshine, whatever we could get our hands on.”

  “My cousin William?” Was that who Michael had meant when he accused someone in my family of being a drunk? Was it William?

  “William only went with us a couple of times then he stopped. I think maybe your uncle caught him.” He gave a slight grimace. “If we’d all been lucky enough to have fathers who cared. . .”

  I let out a sigh of relief—no, it wasn’t William. “Michael’s father didn’t care?” I had always thought he seemed like a nice man. Did Michael have problems I knew nothing of? How selfish I had been—not noticing others struggled just as I did. Maybe more.

  “I don’t know. Maybe he never found out.” He shrugged. “Sometimes we’d take the whiskey to school in our lunchboxes.”

  I nodded my head, thinking about how the older boys were always so chummy at recess and the lunch period. “And the teachers didn’t know?”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “If they did, they never said anything.”

  “What made you quit?”

  “After I joined the army, I kept drinking. But it only got me into more and more trouble. One of my army buddies told me about this new group—Alcoholics Anonymous. I started going to the meetings. It’s been a struggle, but with the help of those going through the same thing, somehow it’s easier.”

  “Yes, I think it wo
uld be.”

  “And one of the steps is to make amends to those we have wronged. Michael was the first one I thought of. It’s my fault he’s an alcoholic.”

  I felt sick to my stomach. “You think Michael is an alcoholic?”

  “Michael always drank more than I did. He pretty much lived on the verge of drunkenness every single day.” He looked at me solemnly. “Still does.”

  This was hard for me to comprehend. I shook my head again. “How would I not know? How can he hide it?”

  “He’s one of those who can hold their liquor. And, he’s good at hiding it. They learn to keep a distance between themselves and others.” He shrugged his shoulders. “There’s different ways of hiding it.”

  I looked at him doubtfully, not sure how I could have missed the signs, no matter what Daniel told me. “So what happened when you talked to Michael?”

  “He wouldn’t listen. He said his drinking was under control. I told him about AA, and he said it was all a bunch of nonsense. Said his drinking was no big deal.”

  “Yes, he said that to me, too.”

  “I told him he needed to be honest with you.”

  “When? On that day when he was so angry? When he brought the horses? Did you tell him then?”

  “Yes. I’m sorry.” He sighed heavily. “I didn’t know he would react that way.”

  “It’s not your fault.” I suddenly realized Daniel still held me in his arms. I pushed gently away. “I’d better get going. I wanted to go by the farm.”

  Daniel didn’t immediately release me. “Can I come with you?” His voice was a soft whisper in my ear.

  I hesitated then nodded my head. “Sure.” My emotions were in a turmoil.

  He released me, and I led the way from the clearing, wondering why I had let him come with me.

  His arms had offered such comfort. He really did seem to care. Maybe I could learn to care for him in the same way, if I would only allow myself.

  We walked without speaking until we came to the farm. He hung back, allowing me to wander down to the barn and around the house. The house was locked. I’d have to ask Uncle Colt for a key if I wanted to go in. But, I wasn’t sure if I needed to.

  I looked into the windows and saw most of the furniture had been removed. Momma had taken it to furnish the apartment, I supposed. No, it was not my home now. If I went inside, that would just make it all the more painfully clear.

  I was aware Daniel’s eyes followed me although he still kept his distance. I walked slowly back to him.

  He held out a hand to me. “I can help you, Jay.”

  I didn’t take his hand. It was too soon.

  He let his hand fall to his side. “Will you let me?”

  I searched his eyes. “I don’t know.”

  He didn’t seem angry but smiled. Was he just happy I hadn’t said no?

  I allowed him to walk me back to Aunt Jenny’s house. He asked if he could see me again. I nodded my assent, and he left without coming in.

  Aunt Jenny was the only one at the house when I got back. Her anxious eyes surveyed me. “We were getting worried about you.”

  I waved a hand at her. “I’m okay, Aunt Jenny.”

  Relief washed over her face. She motioned me to sit, and I obeyed.

  “Do you want a cup of coffee? Just made some fresh.”

  “Yes, please.”

  She poured us each a cup and brought them to the table.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked.

  “They all went into town with Molly. Your uncle will take you later. I wanted to talk to you first.”

  I waited for her to continue.

  “Your uncle and I think you should go back to Plainsville and leave Zeke here. He’s young and needs to be with his mother.”

  I saw the surprise on her face when I nodded my head. “She seems changed. I know you and Uncle Colt will be there for Zeke if he needs you.”

  “You know we will. And, if we see there’s a problem, we’ll let you know.”

  I took a sip of the strong, black coffee. “I wish I could be sure she’s really changed. . .”

  “Sometimes we just have to trust people, Jay. And, trust God.”

  Just what Daniel had said. I nodded my head. “I know.”

  Aunt Jenny looked at me steadily. “Your uncle and I want you to finish high school, go on to college.” She took my hand in hers. “Jay, do what you dream of. We can’t live others’ lives for them. Zeke has his own life.”

  “But, Aunt Jenny, if I don’t stay with Zeke, aren’t I being selfish?”

  “No. Preparing for your future is not selfish. Zeke will be fine.”

  “I’ll just have to trust that he will be.” I finished my coffee, wondering if my trust would be strong enough.

  “You’ll see. God’s plans are much better than any we can come up with. He’s got great things in store for you.” She pushed back from the table. “Want to go to the garden with me?”

  “Sure.” Daniel and Aunt Jenny had helped me realize the path I needed to choose. Life consisted of losses. To get through it, I would just have to trust God. And people.

  Yet, the pain of losing Poppa, Michael, and now Zeke threatened to tear my soul in two. Daniel seemed ready to help me through this new loss. Who would’ve thought?

  Shaking my head at the mystery of God, I followed Aunt Jenny out to the garden.

  Chapter 21—Telling Momma

  Uncle Colt took me into town on the wagon and dropped me off at a house that had been divided in half to make two apartments. Momma’s was the one on the right, Uncle Colt had told me.

  I headed up the wooden steps. I barely knocked when Zeke opened the door and threw his arms around me.

  The apartment consisted of a large front room, two small bedrooms, and a tiny kitchen. Zeke ran around the small space, showing me every inch. A backdoor led from the kitchen to a porch area. A bathroom had been built on one end of the porch to be shared by both apartments.

  Momma smiled, her eyes shining. She ushered me to a couch in the front room. Zeke climbed up beside me while Momma settled into the rocking chair, the one from our old house. The one she rocked so hard whenever she became upset. Now, the rockers simply bumped the floor gently.

  Momma scrutinized me. “You’ve changed,” she said.

  She was right. I had. I nodded my head.

  She smiled. “I’ve got a job, Sarah Jane.”

  “That’s good. Where at?”

  “I’m working at the ten cent store up the street. It’s an easy walk from here.”

  “Great.”

  She kept watching me closely. “I want you and Zeke to come live with me. You could help out, Sarah Jane. Someone needs to watch Zeke while I work. When he starts to school in the fall, someone will need to take him and pick him up.”

  I squirmed uneasily. “Momma. . .” I looked at Zeke. I needed to talk to him first before I told her. “Momma, Zeke hasn’t shown me the backyard.”

  Zeke leaped from the couch. “Come on, Jay.”

  I allowed him to lead me into the yard.

  A young boy who appeared to be about his age dug into the dirt by the house with an old spoon.

  He peered up at us. “Hi, Zeke.”

  “Hey, Lamar! This is my sister, Jay.” Zeke grinned, glancing from his new friend to me. “Lamar lives next door.”

  The young boy held up a wiggling worm. “I’m getting us some bait for fishing.”

  “I’ll help you,” Zeke said, about to fall to his knees to dig in the dark dirt.

  I lifted him by his elbow. “Wait, Zeke. I wanted to talk to you first.”

  Zeke looked at me in dismay. “Now?”

  “Yes, now.” I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

  “All right. I’ll be back, Lamar,” he promised. We walked around the corner of the house to a side yard. An oak tree shaded a small bench, and we sat down.

  “Zeke, do you want to live here?” I waited for his response although I already knew what
it would be.

  A smile spread over his face. “Yes! Lamar told me his big brother is gonna take us fishing.” He tilted his head and looked at me, frowning slightly. “If we get enough worms.” He squirmed, and I knew he would blame me if they didn’t.

  I nodded. “It sounds like you’ll have a lot of fun living here.”

  “We’ll have a lot of fun,” he corrected me. “I bet Lamar’s brother will let you come fishing with us.”

  “I’m not staying, Zeke. I’m going back to Plainsville.”

  His forehead furrowed. “Going back?”

  “I want to finish high school. You know I want to be a veterinarian. There’s a college near Plainsville where I can go to become one.” A lump formed in my throat. “But Momma wants you to stay here.”

  “Without you?” The creases deepened.

  “Yes, without me. You’ll have Momma. And Lamar. And you’ll make more friends.”

  “Jay, I don’t want to stay here without you. What if Momma . . .” His eyes widened as if he relived an old memory.

  “She’s better, Zeke. Besides, Uncle Colt and Aunt Jenny will watch out for you.” I hugged him to me. “If you need me, just tell them, and I’ll come back.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.” I kept my arms wrapped around him until he began to squirm again.

  “Jay, can I go look for worms now?”

  “Sure.”

  He leaped up from the bench and scampered around the edge of the house. A sharp pain pierced my heart. He’d forget me. He’d half forgotten me now in the joy of making a new friend.

  Yes, people changed. Zeke was growing up. Yet, worry still gnawed me. What if Momma began acting strange again? And I wasn’t here to protect him? Was it wrong for me to leave him when I might be putting him in danger?

  I followed Zeke back to the backyard and watched for a moment as he extracted the wigglers from the ground, his face full of laughter. I left Zeke digging worms and went back inside.

  Momma, in the kitchen, pointed to the icebox. “You thirsty, Sarah Jane? I’ll make us a glass of iced tea.”