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  But I didn’t have to. It was the day after we got there, on Christmas Day, when he showed up.

  We were still eating pecan pie and egg custard when William answered the door. Michael seemed almost like someone I didn’t know. Still, I was happier than I had been in ages just to see his face.

  He sat on the hearth, and Aunt Jenny brought him a slice of pie and a glass of milk. I stayed with the women in the kitchen, putting things away while the men gathered around the fireplace, swapping stories about hunting or fishing.

  I peered out the door. Michael talked, but his laughter seemed forced, and his face was strained and white.

  I was drying the dishes when he appeared at my side.

  “Jay, I need to speak to you.” He didn’t wait for me to answer but simply strode away.

  I hastily dried my hands and pulled off the apron and hurried after him. He had walked outside and stood under the naked branches of the large pecan tree that stood near the back corner of the house. My heart thundered in my chest.

  His dark hair shone in the weak rays of the winter sun, and he raked his fingers through it and spoke without looking at me. “Why did you accept Drake’s horses as a gift?”

  Chapter 15—The Fight

  Of anything I expected him to say, this wasn’t it. “What?”

  “Why did you accept the horses as a gift?” he repeated, his voice calm, although he still did not look at me.

  “They weren’t a gift for me.” My voice trembled with nervousness. Hadn’t I wondered about the horses myself? But I didn’t know Daniel bought them for me, did I?

  “Do you deny you have been taking care of them?” His voice remained calm.

  “Uncle Howard is boarding his horses. Daniel asked me to exercise them. That’s all there is to it.”

  “Daniel? When have you ever called him Daniel?” He turned to glare at me.

  I knew I had said the wrong thing and took a step back. I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess that’s the name he’s using now.”

  “And how would you know?”

  I kept silent, knowing if I told him that Daniel. . .Dan and I had been writing, he would be furious. But it wasn’t like that. Zeke and I wrote him together, and he always included both of us when he wrote back.

  “You could have told him to find someplace else to board the horses.” The anger drained from his voice. “Why didn’t you say no?”

  I sighed. “Michael, it wasn’t my decision. Why don’t you believe me?”

  He stared at me for a second as if he didn’t know me. “Dan’s in love with you. Everyone knows it. And you keep encouraging him.”

  “Encouraging? What do you mean?”

  “I saw the look on your face. How happy you were when we brought the horses.”

  “He brought me Chance. I was just thanking him.” Anger boiled up. “Let me ask you a question. Why didn’t you bring me Chance? Why did you let Daniel. . .Dan bring him?”

  He raked the fingers through his hair again. “Because it was his idea.” He narrowed his eyes. “He has better ideas. Is that what you want me to say? He’s richer, and drives a fancy car, and can give you an expensive horse. . .”

  “And he doesn’t go out with girls named Sylvia.” I spat it out before I could help myself.

  Michael gave me a long hard look. “I did not go out with her. Who told you that?”

  “She did,” I said quietly.

  His eyebrows drew together, and he shook his head as if trying to rid it of cobwebs. “I don’t remember it.”

  “Did you stay the weekend you brought the horses? Were you there on Saturday?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why can’t you remember if you went out with Sylvia?” My heart thundered in my chest. Why was he lying to me? “What do you remember? Did you see me go to the picture show with Daniel?”

  His head jerked up. “What?”

  This was not going the way I had planned. I reached out to stroke Michael’s arm, catching the scent of his cologne. Only now I knew he used it to cover the smell of alcohol. I stepped away from him.

  He jammed his hands in his pockets. “You went out with him?” he asked quietly.

  “No! He took Zeke, and I went along.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Just because Zeke was along doesn’t make it better.”

  “Michael, you either trust me or you don’t. I’m through apologizing for. . . for no reason.”

  “I’ll trust you if you never write or speak to Drake again.”

  “And this coming from you? Going out with Sylvia behind my back? How dare you say that when you’ve been doing things a lot worse than me?”

  “I told you I wasn’t with Sylvia.” He stared down at the ground. “At least, I can’t remember.”

  “How can you not remember? Were you that drunk?”

  “If you want the truth, yes, I was that drunk. I drank until I passed out in my truck. Happy?”

  I took a step toward him and hit him in the chest with the heel of my hand. “Why? Why are you drinking?”

  He caught my wrist and shoved me away. “Always have. Always will, I reckon.” His look of defiance pierced my heart.

  “Always? What do you mean?”

  He raked back his hair again. “Drake and I started drinking when we were around eleven or so.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s no big deal.”

  “No big deal? You can’t even remember that weekend!”

  “What did you expect? When I saw you smiling up at Drake. . .”

  “So, is this what you’re going to do whenever you get upset? Drink yourself into oblivion?” My hands shook, and I clasped them together.

  “Beats the alternative.”

  I stamped my feet in frustration.

  He eyed me for a few seconds, his face hard. “Promise me you will not speak to Drake again.”

  “I’ll speak to whomever I want to, Michael Hutchinson. You will not tell me how to pick my friends. Do you understand?”

  He raked his hair back with both hands. “Fine. If you prefer Drake over me, that’s your choice.”He glared at me. “But neither will you pick my friends.” He strode away but stopped midway to his truck. “And you’re sure not going to tell me when I can drink. Especially since. . .” He threw his hands up in a gesture of frustration.

  “Especially what?”

  He kept going without answering. I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming at him.

  He climbed in his truck and drove away. Let him go. I didn’t need his jealous fits. Or, his drinking.

  Why had I never known it? How did he hide it all this time? But really, how often had I been around him for very long? Three or four times? Tears slid down my face. I really had not known him at all.

  I looked toward the house. I didn’t want to go inside. Instead, I walked to Cedar Spring, blinded by my tears. It wasn’t until I climbed the path that the tears began to abate. I entered the clearing, and the peaceful surroundings calmed me.

  The sun still shone, surprising me. It felt as if I had argued with Michael all day. It probably wasn’t later than one or two o’clock. I sat down with my back to the tree. Emerald sunlight filtered through the branches.

  Things were supposed to be better. Wasn’t that the promise of the cedar? Maybe God had other plans for me, other lessons for me to learn.

  Was I wrong? Michael and I weren’t meant to be together? The cold realization that I may never see him again washed over me.

  My heart felt as if it were breaking in two. I laid my head on my knees and sobbed. For the loss of Michael, for the loss of Poppa, even for the loss of Momma, and for the mother I had never known.

  Maybe Michael had always just felt sorry for me, never really cared for me at all. Why? Why had Michael done this to me?

  My sobbing increased in volume, and I felt a hand on my shoulder.

  I looked up into Laurie’s face. She dropped to her knees by my side. “Jay, what’s wrong?”

  I couldn’t answer. I fell against her,
my head lying across her legs. She pushed the hair away from my face and made shushing noises. It only made me cry more.

  “Jay, please. You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

  I struggled to sit up, to control my crying.

  Laurie wrapped an arm around me. “Are you hurt?” she asked gently.

  I didn’t answer, just laid my head on her shoulder and sobbed.

  “You and Michael have a fight?”

  I nodded miserably. Laurie pushed me gently back until I leaned against the cedar.

  “Wait here. I’ll go wet my handkerchief in the steam.”

  I gulped a few unsteady breaths and tried to staunch the flow of tears. She returned with the handkerchief, and I took it from her and wiped my face. It was icy cold from the stream. I had gone out without a coat and only now noticed the cold breeze. I shivered.

  “We need to get inside, out of the cold,” Laurie said.

  “I don’t want anyone to see me.” I twisted the handkerchief.

  “Everyone was in the front room when I left. We’ll go in the back door and you can go in my room.”

  “Okay.” I stood up on legs that wobbled.

  Laurie wrapped her arm around my waist, and I allowed her to lead me away from the cedar, away from the clearing, and out onto the road.

  I felt ashamed for crying so much. I struggled to contain my tears, especially as we neared the house. Laurie checked, and the back room was still empty. I scooted to her room and lay down on her bed. She followed in a little while with a wet wash cloth.

  “I told them you weren’t feeling well.”

  “That’s the truth,” I said with a feeble smile.

  Laurie wiped my forehead with the cool cloth, and I let her, feeling too weak to protest.

  “Do you want to talk about what happened?” She gazed at me solemnly.

  I closed my eyes. “Nothing, really. Michael’s jealous of Daniel.”

  “Daniel?”

  “Drake.”

  Laurie snorted. “Jealous of Drake? That’s ridiculous.”

  “I know. I’ve tried to tell him I only went to see Heidi because of Zeke.”

  “You went with Drake to the picture show? Are you as crazy as a June bug on a string?”

  I opened my eyes. She was staring at me as if she had never seen me before. Her face softened as she continued looking at me. “Jay, I’m sorry. I’m just surprised.”

  I nodded my head. “It’s okay. I didn’t want to have anything to do with Daniel to begin with. But he really has changed.”

  Laurie snorted again and was immediately apologetic. “I shouldn’t have done that.” She looked down at her hands contritely. “It’s just hard to imagine him changing.”

  I sat up and leaned against the wall. “He’s really been nice. He helped me with my math work.”

  Laurie’s eyes widened, and she shook her head at me. “I see now why Michael’s so mad.”

  “But I don’t like Daniel! You know I don’t. I’m just trying to do the right thing.” I reached over and touched her arm. “I’m trying to do the Christian thing and treat Daniel right. And Michael should trust me.”

  “You’ve taken a liking to Drake. Leastwise, that’s the way it sounds to me.”

  “Laurie!” Fresh tears sprang to my eyes.

  She pulled me into a hug. “Please don’t cry.”

  She gave me the wash rag, and I swiped at my eyes. I fumbled for my handkerchief and blew my nose. “Probably it’s all for the best. I’ve got to finish high school. Michael wants to go to college.” I didn’t want to tell her about his drinking, feeling ashamed.

  “He’s going to API next semester,” she said.

  My heart beat a little faster. “Really?” I thought he wouldn’t begin until the fall.”

  “No. He had enough credits to graduate early.”

  I slumped back down on the bed. “It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want to see me ever again.” And I didn’t want to see him. Not as long as he drank.

  Laurie grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. “Come on and fix your hair. You’ve moped around enough. There’s still plenty of pie left.”

  “I guess you’re right. If I stay here, I’ll probably just start crying again.” I let out a long, shuddering breath and did as Laurie asked.

  Chapter 16—Visit to Momma

  The next morning all I wanted to do was go home to Plainsville, but Aunt Jenny and Uncle Colt had planned to take us to see Momma.

  Aunt Jenny and Aunt Liza were cooking breakfast when I woke up. I dragged myself into the kitchen, my eyes feeling swollen and grainy. Aunt Jenny refused the offer of my help.

  I sat down at the table, and she brought me a cup of coffee although I usually didn’t drink it. The house was quiet except for the sounds of frying bacon and sausage. My aunts kept stealing covert stares at me.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked.

  “They’re all gone out to the barn to do the chores,” Aunt Jenny said.

  “Zeke, too?”

  “Yes. He’s been up since the crack of dawn. He’s excited about going to see your momma today.” Aunt Liza rolled out biscuits and patted them into the iron skillet.

  I sighed. Momma. Just one more thing I would have to deal with. “How is Momma, Aunt Jenny?”

  “I think she’s some better. Still depressed, but the doctors are still adjusting her medicines.” She wiped her hands on her apron and came over to me. “Have you told Zeke that she’s not your mother?”

  I shook my head.

  Aunt Liza slid the pan of biscuits into the oven and turned to face me. “Jenny and I have been talking. We think someone needs to talk to him before you go to see her. She might say something.”

  “Do you want me to talk to him?” Aunt Jenny asked, her eyes filled with concern.

  I shook my head. “No. I need to.” I chewed my bottom lip. I’d better do it now while the biscuits were baking. I pulled myself to my feet and went out to find him.

  My hands were thrust deep into the pockets of my new coat. Well, it wasn’t new. It was one of Aunt Liza’s old ones. I thought of the gloves, scarves, and coats Momma had kept in her trunk. And that secret buried beneath them I had found. The secret that changed my life.

  Tears sprang to my eyes, and I swiped at them.

  All of that was in the past. I lived with my mother’s sister now. And Aunt Liza was already becoming like the mother I had never had—a mother who loved me.

  So what if I didn’t have Michael? I still had people who loved me.

  Zeke was in the barn with Laurie. The comforting smells of cows and pigs washed over me. I again had to blink back the tears.

  What was wrong with me? Was I going to start crying all the time now?

  Laurie threw me a look of concern. “Hey, Jay.”

  I smoothed my hair back. “I know I look terrible. . .”

  “Like something the cat dragged in that the kittens wouldn’t have?”

  I remembered her saying that before. At a terrible time in my life. I shrugged. “Reckon I do.”

  “I reckon you have a right to. But you really don’t look bad. Your eyes are a little red is all.”

  Zeke looked at me. “What’s wrong, Jay?”

  “Nothing to worry about.” I held my hand out to Zeke. “I need to talk to you, though.”

  He placed his hand in mine, and we walked out of the warmth of the barn.

  I led him to the front porch. We both sat down on the edge with our legs dangling over the side.

  It was a moment before I spoke, remembering the night he had caught the lightning bugs. . .that night. . .

  I pushed the thought firmly out of my mind. Poppa was gone, and there was no need dwelling on it. We had to get on with our own lives.

  I draped my arm over his shoulders. “Zeke, I need to tell you something.”

  He beat his heels against the side of the porch. “What?”

  “Momma’s not my momma.”

  He frowned. “Momma’s no
t your momma?”

  “No, we have different mothers.”

  “You’re not my sister?” Worry clouded his eyes.

  “Yes, I’m your sister! We have the same father just different mothers.” I squeezed him to me, and he laid his head against me for a few seconds before pulling away.

  “Good. I’m glad you’re my sister. Can I go back to the barn now?”

  I smiled to myself. “It’s about time for breakfast. Go see if you can round everyone up.”

  He jumped down and scurried off.

  Well, that was easier than I thought. I climbed to my feet and went back in. At least I still had Zeke.

  A stab of fear pierced my heart. I pushed away the thought that I might lose him, too. No need borrowing trouble from tomorrow, Poppa had always said.

  After breakfast, we got ready to go see Momma. Aunt Liza and Uncle Howard with William and Laurie thought it best that they stayed home. We still didn’t want Momma to know where Zeke and I had been living.

  Aunt Jenny and Uncle Colt had visited Momma several times in the couple of months we had been gone.

  On the way, Aunt Jenny cautioned us that Momma still struggled with depression. Zeke didn’t know what that meant, and I explained that she was very sad. I knew the feeling.

  I pretended, for Zeke’s sake, to be happy. He clung to me when we arrived at the sanatorium. His grip tightened when we entered the common room. Several patients visited with their families. Momma sat at a small table next to the window, staring out.

  She remained stiff and still as we approached. She didn’t turn her vacant eyes on us until Aunt Jenny touched her shoulder.

  “How are you, Molly?” Aunt Jenny asked.

  Momma tried to smile. “I’m doing better.”

  “Hi, Momma,” I said, kissing her forehead. Zeke hung back, but I pulled him forward. “Here’s Zeke.”

  She held out her arms to him, and a lump came to my throat. Zeke climbed into her lap, and the rest of us gathered around the table. Momma took a long look at me.

  “What’s wrong with you, Sarah Jane? You been sick?”

  “No, ma’am. I’m doing fine.”